leading back the bunny trails

i feel as though i live in the past to much and i need to just get over myself and hury up and just cry it out and get over it ....so here it goes .....maybe if i get this stuff out maybe ill be less like a bomb ready to explode today and later days
ive gone to the same church since i was born,  always a sweet little church boy whos so innosent  i was considered one of the best kids but never realy believing because ive never heard the voice or felt any warmth from this god that i search for still  so basically i live a lie 
i was homeschooled til second grade so i was very sheltered and shy. then in second grade i started coming to keystone (and i dont think everyone realized it but they were such assholes and so was and is my bus driver who is still my bus driver) and i was instantly labeled as a freak and a dork
then on the way home one day the bus comes to a screaching halt right below my house and my sister whitney comes running out of the woods(her and dad went hunting instead of school because it was hunting season and whitney was doing good in school) bauling her head off and screaming  the bus stops and we all thought the bus ran over her foot or something because she was really screaming and bauling but the reality of it was that my dad had gone into a sturdy-looking treestand before her but it wasnt and broke and slammed to the ground and sent him splintered and flying and he lay on the ground foaming at the mouth; staring blankly  then we went to the hospital and we waited for a long time  ..they pronounced him dead  and everyone was crying insanely  ...except me  i dont know what was wrong with me i just didnt cry i felt no emotion and now i sometimes lock my bedroom door( which i share with my brother so theres lots of pounding whenever i do that) and cry it out now but even my own family is confused at why i seem to be taking it hard i mean its not like i was alive very long while he was here(7 years old when he died) so i probably dont remember him much but the fact is i remember every breathing moment with him and i miss him at an unimaginable level and wonder if i make him even the least bit proud
then way before this my insane uncle brutely murdered my grandparents(moms parents) first with a sledge hammer until that broke then he used a butcher knife and moms moms bloody handprint ran down the locked door as she tryed to escape but he drug her back in and slammed and cut her and grandpa more   they wouldnt let mom and aunt mary into the crime scene but dad and uncle doug in to see the insane mess everywhere
obviously both these events get mom very depressing and weird to be around and also very b****y
then resently i fell majorly in love with a girl and at our first "date"(a year and a half after meeting and trying so hard to get her to notice me)(also i might add  my very first date) we both ended up being sick and we both flipped out on eachother and i ended up ripping off my dress clothes(and i lost my very first tie that i bought for the occation) and sitting in a dark,  wet corner for the remander of the night  i forgave her instantly but she still hates he and wont listen to me or be anywhere where i am but i cant help but still love with all my being(because hearts die and go to others)  Malvey, being a good friend and all tries to cheer me up by suggesting other people but i dont want options i want her(dear god i sound OBSESSED)  

thanks for listening even if u didnt everyone   it at least felt good to get it out