Sitting here I think
Is the risk really worth taking?
Do I dare break the walls I built
Only to get hurt?
Or do I tear them down
And walk into open loving arms?
No matter what I do,
I always find the pain.
Perfectly imperfect, I bring it to myself.
My mistake, or theirs
It pierces the heart, the mind, the soul.
Excruciating, it fills the void.
Not with love, happiness, or cheer.
You see, regret, hate, fear, remorse...
They're only the tip of the iceberg.
So here I stand
On top of a high wall.
Ready to make that leap of faith,
But my feet won't budge.
Determination isn't high
Adrenaline is pumping.
Here the question lies...
Do I sit and hide, risk nothing
Or dive into the abyss of risking all?
ok this is where people start to get mad at me. WARNING: you asked for my advice and i'm not going to lie to you and say "really nice poem" if i think it's not.
ReplyDeleteOn that note, i see where you are going here. I like the direction you are trying to take this. BUT.... your word choice needs work. Sometimes this sounds like a poem, and sometimes it sounds like you took a sentance and put it on a few lines, to make a faux-pas poem. More poetic sounding words could do this "poem" some good.
That being said it could just eb taht i'm reading it wrong. I know a lot of my poem's appeal is in the way i read it. so yeah.
That's what i think. Don't hate me because i gave you a bad review. End of Story. Done.
I don't hate you.
ReplyDeleteI thank you for the creative advice. I didn't expect you to say, oh that's amazing, or what ever. I like to improve, so I have to have the bad reviews too.
Yay! Last year we did the whole poetry thing for Rut and everytime i spoke honestly about our classmates poems they all called me a hater and such. I mean what the point of doing a poetry unit if all you are allowed to do is call eachother great? the point is to improve people!
ReplyDeleteYeah but you also have to think that, everyone thinks of poetry different then you.
ReplyDeleteBut I know where you're coming from, so it's understandable.
Did Miss C get back to you on this?
ReplyDelete